New me

This is gonna be just me writing, not a poem or anything, sorry, but I just need to write this out.

New Me

I walked into school, I knew that this would happen, not fear, but uncertainty
Uncertainty of what my friends would think of me,
not anything I had done
not anything I had said
not anything I had forgot
not anything I didn't keep tabs on

but uncertainty of me, the new me
I had grown so much spiritually, with my friends always hanging out,
always being there, always watching out,
and now, they aren't gone,
but that crutch of having them be my spiritual accountability is gone

I am almost on my own, just me and God walk through those halls
Its not lonelyness that gets to me
its the eyes on me,
people I used to call friends have noticed my changes to be more like God,
and I know they don't like it,

but I wont stop, I am commited to my changes
I doubt I haven't shown it this summer but I know my spirit has grown strong enough,
I can make it through this,

this is what this whole summer has lead up to,
the laughter,
the youth group meetings,
the helium,
the awesome,
the losses,
the commitments,

this is what it all comes down to, whether I will adjust to the school schedule or adjust to my peers, adjust to these stressors or adjust to the way I conduct myself.

I will be missing church due to events planned ahead of time, so these 2 or 3 weeks will be the hardest for me,
pray for me


I will keep my promise, and be pure, I won't give my self away, fool around, and I will think of you,
I wish it were as easy as everyone to cease their being as the opposite sex, but it will never be that easy,
but know you are worth it, and I will keep my promise.

Nervous about perfect girl

Ok, well I am kinda nervous about doing this, but I am going to ask the most perfect girl in the world out to subway today. She, well she is perfect to me, thus, the title of this blog.
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Ummm, I wrote her this poem during first service, and I hope she likes it. I still have the tattered journal paper I wrote it on, and I am crazy nervous. In case you didn't know, perfect girl, has been the subject of many of my poems so far. So, I hope you don't read this before I read it to you in person perfect girl.
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Perfect Girl:
Please dont read this yet! Just stop reading! Yes, I am typing to you!
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Everyone else:
Pray I don't pass out.
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Ode to perfection (Know I am just happy to see you))
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No matter how many compliments, awards or aspirations
Uncertainties, setbacks, and fate's cruel limitations
No matter when, where, why or what I do
Know that I am just happy to see you
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Stinging orange air freshener up my nose
Sharpie doodles all over my clothes
The pool water tightens our jeans
My eyes on you, are filled with chlorine
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When your eyes hurt after you have just wept
When your tired because of how little you slept
No matter when, where, why or what I do
Know that I am just happy to see you
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When you feel heavy, remember to me your as light as a feather
When you havent even had breakfast, and are feeling under the weather
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When you are
happy
sad
ecstatic
mad
amazing
tired
talented
wired
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When we spend time together, time I always savor* (pronounced gangster - sav.ah.)
Always know I am happy to see you, my gorgeous and perfect, perfect girl.
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It is really hard to rhyme things with your name.
it is worth it though.
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Hair color

This is kinda late, but I dyed my hair brown.
Yep, if you didn't notice, it's cool.

Now I just need to dye my hair blonde, white, and that's it!

wow.

oh, and on a minor note, it was really late when I did the last couple of posts so if they were too awkward, deep, or anything else, sorry. I was tired.

my slam and you

My Slam

To teach yourself color is to associate your personal emotions with the gradients and shades all around you.

To be one of those proud, unique few

To each your self color and learn creativity from a new point of view

breaking the mold with every tint and hue

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To not know red as red, or blue as blue

But to see this earth as a created entity speaking to you

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Red as passion,

to lose the ration - ality

to finally see

the calm blues

to finally choose

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for ourselves

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whether colors can be accurately described by brushes, art classes, textbooks

or to choose that a color is much more than just it's looks,

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but they, these colors, they are

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emotion-filled entities

simply lent to you and to me

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*for the purpose of descrbing ourselves,*

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[or the other ending I wrote:]

*by the one and only God,
such a gift that I am too in shock to lift my hands and applaud*

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I couldn't decide which ending to go with, they both sound alright to me.

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You

I can draw the sea,

(try to) chalk draw sunsets,

and write about the most gorgeous things on this earth,

but no matter how hard I try I cannot define you.

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Your beauty is so different, so unique to me

that just writing about how different you are,

is making it near impossible for this poem to rhyme

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So I will just try to type freely about how you make me free

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This thing about you that I cannot describe inspires me to write more,

something no one has ever done for me before

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Your smile, eyes, touch, and presence*, my words are gone,

your more gorgeous than anyone I have ever met, even without your makeup on.

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Your personality, just surprises me, everytime I see you I never think I could like you more

but the next time we meet face to face, reality changes my life as I know it and....

...poof.....

I like you even more than before

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Your creativity makes me wish I could see the world like you see it,

almost as much as I wish I could simply describe you

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hmmm, this didn't even come close to descrbing you...

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just being with you:

it is like my top 5 favorite songs playing in my head at the same time,

like the taste of watermelon

like a chill up and down my back

like sitting at the edge of my seat at the end of a movie I have already seen a thousand times

like, completeness

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hmmm...still not even close, but closer than before, when I can describe you more I will try to blog again.

eh, whatever

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*Presence:

Not only am I unsure of whether I spelled this word right,

but along with all of those feelings I kinda get light-headed around her presence; Readers, should I like, see a doctor or something?

My thoughts on awkwardness and feelings

feelings are awkward,
as awkward as the word awkward
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awkward doesn't rhyme well with other words
and feelings make us feel like they wont go well with what other people think of ourselves,
as if our feelings just wont rhyme with everyone elses.
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levels of awkwardness just explode are usually after something serious, stupid or both
feelings emerge, enrage and sadden us the in similar explosions.
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awkwardness can leave us speechless
feelings can mute us as well
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When telling stories to my friends I find my self defining my life with awkwardness
I find that I also define my daily life with my feelings
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I know that as a christian I can't be awkward about my faith, but at times I am
I know that as a christian I can't think about my feelings too much, but at times I do
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Can awkwardness and feelings be wrong?
They are the worst.
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Can we avoid awkwardness and feelings?
Yes, to be a hermit these days is easy with apathetic lifestyles.
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Is taking away awkward moments and feelings out of our lives worth it?
Well, that is a question to you reader.
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In my case, the awkwardness and feelings are worth the trouble because what I feel for, and what I get awkward around can truly define me.
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A promise:
Open up your feelings, no matter how awkward and I won't judge your feelings with a single word or awkward silence, but instead laugh with you and make life that much easier.